The system of joint family has been there for decades in India. Increasing westernization of the Indian society is now giving rise to a new form of family – Nuclear Family.
The biggest part of a child’s personality is made up of values, culture and ethics. Since these are inculcated by the family, it plays a monumental role in shaping an individual. Like everything in life, each form of family has its advantages and drawbacks. The aim of this article is to help parents raise their child in a manner best suited to their type of family.
Based on my experience as a counselor, I have outlined some of the main pain points of each type of family structure and how to deal with them effectively while raising a child.
Inconsistency in enforcing rules
As a counselor, amongst the various issues I come across with children; this has been one of the biggest. Most parents of joint families believe that the reason behind their child’s stubbornness is the inefficiency of all family members to stick to one rule for the child. Each member creates or modifies rules for the child as per their understanding. Some member would be firm regarding a particular discipline and another member could be lenient about it. This contradiction in rules between the family members lets the child learn escape plans and strategies. This problem is compounded as the size of the joint family increases.
A child will follow a rule only if it is consistently enforced by everyone around him/her. In a joint family, this is hampered by a constant interference (albeit well intentioned) and clash of authority, especially amongst the elders and the parents.
The easiest way to discipline a child in such a scenario would be to discuss and arrive at a common rule for the child based on everyone’s judgment and experience. Example- If the parents are telling the child not to watch television, then the rest of the family (basis discussion and consensus, everyone from the doting grandparents to the pampering aunts/ uncles) should be firm in not letting the child watch TV.
Not practicing what you preach
Another reason for children not doing as told is the lack of ‘practice what you preach’ mentality among the family members. A child learns by observation. First the family must itself do what it expects the child to do. Example- if the family is trying to teach a child that it must say sorry when wrong, the child will say it when it sees everyone else in the family too apologizing for and accepting their mistakes. This applies equally to a joint and a nuclear family.
Losing out on the experience and wisdom of grandparents
Nuclear families tend to lose out on the experience of the elders in difficult parenting situations. They also lose out on the values and cultural education that only a grandparent can give the child. An effective solution to this could be regular picnics/ weekend plans with grandparents to keep the basic value and ethics of our culture inculcated in the child.
Forced versus subconscious learning of critical values
In a nuclear family, the parents may have to force values as rules on the child. But in a joint family, its large size enables a child to automatically and subconsciously learn critical values like ‘sharing’ and ‘adjustment’. It also teaches them how to deal with people of different ages. It helps develop and enhance their socializing skills.
Lack of quality time for the kids
Parents are increasingly starved for time, especially working parents. With both parents working and the extra pressure of the child’s school and extracurricular activities, there is very little useful communication between the parents and the child. In a joint family, even if both the parents are working, there is always someone from the family around at home to look after the child and talk to them. In nuclear family, this lack of quality time could shake up a child’s value system.
In either setup, it is paramount for parents to make time at the end of the day to talk about what the child did and learnt that day.
Conclusion
As can be seen, both family set ups are equally challenging and rewarding. We should be able to decide when to involve which set up and in which situation would it be more effective. So which set up do you wish to raise your Happy Child in?