Breakups and Heartaches

How many of us have been through breakups? Most of us at some point or another have gone through a breakup.  Heartache can be caused even by problems in other relationships like family or friends. But it often aches more when it is about a romantic relationship or an end to a marriage.

Breakups leave you with disappointment, regret, anger, hatred, self dejection, distrust, etc. It is important for you to know that it is okay to feel angry and upset. You will feel a range of emotions running through you. Everything around you will tend to break you down. Recurring memories of the event will leave you traumatized for days, weeks or months together. But, it is important to remind yourself, it is okay to feel so. The bottom line is to learn to end it by minimal emotional, physical and mental distress.

Breakup is another word for Loss. Loss is one of the most painful things a human goes through. The extreme of fear that most of the individuals go through at least once in their entire life is ‘the fear of losing a loved one’.

And as the theorist Elizabeth Kubler Ross puts across in her model about Loss; humans go through Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance (in this order) as the stages of undergoing Loss. The model was first introduced by her in 1969 in her book ‘Death and Dying’.

Breakup is to lovers, what withdrawal stage is to drug addicts. A lot of it is also related to the stereotype we live with and are brought up with. We have been taught to assume that when it comes to Love and Marriage, words like safety, security and dependency follow. It may not even be love, but the fact that someone gives you more attention than you think you deserve, you often fall for it. In getting so much attention and security, we fail to realize that love has vanished. We start confusing our feelings about what love actually is.

It reminds me about my case where a lady in her mid 30’s had undergone a divorce. After 6- 8 months due to her emotional state, her family consulted a physician who recommended her to see me for symptoms of depression. She had a failed marriage where the husband decided to leave her after many mutual attempts of making the marriage work. The couple was definitely not happy and hence the husband decided it was best to part. But she was unwilling and negative about the decision and pleaded with the husband to stay but it never worked. When confronted, it turned out she too was not happy in the marriage and saw no light. But she failed to understand why she still wanted to stay and try. She was very confused about her emotions. She could not take any clear decision and kept blaming herself for all the problems. After few months of being under counseling, she realized that she never did any justice to her marriage as she had become very insecure about losing the one person who cared so much about her and gave her immense attention and security. Due to the security that the husband provided her, she started living in her own fantasy world not realizing that her relation lacked love, affection and understanding.

She realized that she was also not happy with the marriage but she continued in it due to the stereotypical thinking about marriages and love that she was brought up with and the fear of social stigma on her and her family, if she was divorced. Inspite of being a successful lawyer until before marriage, she started doubting herself if she would be able to be on her own again. She also, like others, went through the stages of loss but as she was stuck at a particular stage, she had to consider professional help.  

Now since more than a year, she is on her own. She loves her life more than before. She feels free. Her experiences in her marriage of 5 years taught her many positives which she applies in her current life. She has also started considering dating other men and is ready to live a new life.

No one can say how long it takes for one to get over a broken relationship. Sometimes the longest of the relations have easy breakups while the shortest are more difficult to get over.

Tips to make the heartache less painful:

• Reflect upon your breakup: It is often better to reflect over your issues rather than avoiding it. This will help you look at many aspects of the relationship in a different light or from a different point of view
• Take it as a positive opportunity for self improvement: Learning from mistakes is a good way to grow in the other relationships in your life.
• Venting: Talking to close friends, parents, professionals about your problems, thoughts and worries is always a good way of helping yourself come out.
• Socialize: Start socializing more with people rather than staying home all the time. It is also a good way to give break to the constant negative thoughts running through your mind.
• Be independent: Breakups often ache due to the dependency you had on your partner for every little thing. Hence doing away with dependency and learning to be on your own is an essential way to come out of the breakup blues. This could be one of the ways of proving to yourself that life can also get going by being on your own.
• Avoid: You can surely choose to avoid the person you broke up with for a while until you feel okay.
• Writing: Write about what you went through as a guide for others in a similar situation. Writing will help you reflect on your life and mechanisms of dealing with the ache. It will help you gain positivity. Another way to write is by maintaining a diary where you record what you did and how you moved on from the breakup.
• Acceptance: Accept that the misfortune has happened and it is okay to feel the way you do. Remind yourself that it is pretty common and happens to many people. Make sure you understand that it will take some time for you to overcome the pain. You don’t need to put a happy mask over your face for others.
• Hope: One of the most crucial advice for moving on is Hope. As long as you realize that there is a way ahead of this; as long as you can motivate yourself for the future, you can come out of an emotional trauma.

Believe it or not but Growth is an unexpected gift presented by a Breakup. And eventually getting over heartache only gives you a feeling of ‘Pride’ to have had control over your life and to know how resilient you were.

So don’t worry! With the darker clouds comes the possibility of rains.