Do we learn to set boundaries from childhood? Is it something we are born with? No! Infact, Throughout our childhood, we were taught that we must be a ‘good person’ with qualities like being kind, helpful, smiling, etc. Infact, the world also rewarded us when we displayed those qualities. Have you ever thought that these qualities are also the ones that make you look for appreciation from people all the time? You may subconsciously, start pleasing people in order to gain their love and attention. Here is when we have no boundaries set and the reason why we must learn to set clear boundaries in our relationships.
Boundaries are certain rules and limitations we put around every relationship so that we or others in that relationship do not cross a line. We also set boundaries to prevent other people from taking advantage of us and to prevent ourselves from taking undue advantage of others.
But boundary building is a relatively new concept. Many people don’t understand its importance and how not building one can erode us over a period of time. Boundaries should be set for anything from a relationship to a thing to personal space, time, etc. Building boundaries will help you understand its importance. They could be rigid values you follow. It will give a boost to your self-esteem and put you in a better emotional state. Challenges in your life seem to be decreasing too.
Some common examples of NOT maintaining boundaries are stalking, ranting unnecessarily on social media to seek attention, personal attacks in public or over social media, constant stalking after a break up through any medium, sharing too much with strangers, expecting your loved ones to understand you in every situation, difficulty saying no, etc. Infact it is well known that people who have good Emotional Intelligence know well to set boundaries in their relationship.
So now that we know what boundaries are, lets get to the topic of how to create them.
How to create boundaries?
Self Awareness:
I consider this as one of the most important points. How are you going to create something when you have no awareness about yourself, about your wants and needs? Know yourself and your wants and needs. Unless you know this, you will never be able to set boundaries that benefit you in every way. Look over your past to understand how important it is to create boundaries for yourself.
Understand your limitations:
Each of us has different limitations. We each have a limit that gets us to be happy internally. But defining these limits in terms of what you must not do and when you must stop or turn back is essential. That will help you prevent being hurt in most situations.
Learn to be vocal:
When you decide to set boundary, it isn’t anything like a physical line drawn around you. You will have to confront people when they are crossing the line you have drawn. You need not do it in a threatening or condescending manner, but vocalising your feelings is important. You must not bow down or move away and let people walk over you.
Boundary isn’t as it literally sounds:
Many times, when you start to set boundaries, you tend to stringently follow it. This makes people think that you are being unrealistic and might start harming your relationships otherwise. Every situation and every relation is different and building and maintaining your boundary rules according to each one would make better sense.
Don’t get into a discussion:
When you have decided to set your boundaries based on your necessities of life, you don’t need to be apologetic about it. If you choose to walk away in the light of an unhealthy relationship, you do not need to give anyone an explanation.
Defining the outcomes:
You define your boundary and you also explain it to someone else. If they still continue to behave the same way despite your explaining them once, they need to accept the consequences you may have already pre-defined.
Self- Love:
Start focusing on giving yourself the importance you deserve. Give your mental and physical self the place that it demands. When you start looking after yourself, you will automatically start respecting and appreciating yourself. This way setting your boundaries will come to you easily.
Dig deeper into your life:
When you look at your past, you may realise that there were certain set of rules or values that you followed or were made to follow that do not allow you to set these boundaries. Understanding those set of values, acknowledging them and changing them to what is needed currently makes sense.
Take baby steps and don’t be afraid of failure:
When you are starting to learn or apply anything new into your system, there will be system failures too. Accept the mistakes and embrace them. Start taking small steps at a time. Focus on creating a smaller boundary. Practice it with people and see its effectiveness. Soon, you shall know what needs to be worked on and how much.
We all need some kind of attention all the time, but it is essential to know the difference between sometime and too often. That is when we would know when to put up a boundary. Our end goal here is to feel mentally and emotionally safe.