Ever heard of couples who don’t fight? Ever heard about a smooth relationship? Such mythical statements. Rarely does that happen. We are human. Each of us functions, thinks, feels and perceives in different ways. How can you tell which human matches the most with the other? Wish there was such a God-made Compatibility Test. Most market-based compatibility tests may only help you understand that ‘This is the human you may have least glitches with’.
But there is no guarantee. After all, it is just a man-made and man-understood test. So, fights are bound to take place.
In my last article, we spoke about how wrong ways/types of arguments may worsen our relationship. But what we did not speak about what we can do to make an argument lead in a positive direction. Here are few strategies that may work for you and help you deal with arguments better, learn to live more peacefully and become aware about some troubles that may be self-created.
Strategies to create healthy arguments
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Win- win situations: Both partners will be happy when each gets a share of what they expect. When arguing, each of you should talk about what has upset you. When reaching a conclusion, both of you should feel your issue is resolved. Only this way there shall be peace at home.
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No making a face: After the fight, it is likely that one of you may not be happy with the conclusion. The fight was real and so were the emotions associated with it. Hence forgetting the emotion just after the fight is not easy, but it is essential. You should not stop talking or start ignoring or doing things to the other person just because you did not get what you asked for.
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Take responsibility: Use the ‘I’ statement when referring to your emotions and feelings and take responsibility of what you say and what has hurt you. Do not say that ‘It has happened because of you!’ instead say, ‘I feel hurt with what you have done’.
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Don’t touch the nerve: We are all humans here. Hence pointing to the other person’s weakness simply to win the argument, is no good. Eventually you are arguing to settle and not to demean the opposite person. Many times, couples share many secrets of their life and using such secrets at a weaker point in their life is not cool at all.
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Taking turns while taking: If you want to be heard, do the same for the other person. First listen, let the other person get it all out and then speak. Don’t stop him or cut him in the middle. If you have trouble remembering your points, have a pen and paper with you. If you think your partner talks too much, then before the fight, set a time limit for each one of you to talk.
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Don’t involve others in your fight: When both of you are arguing, it is about the issues in your relationship that affect you two. If your issues are about your partner hearing and believing another person instead of you or about your partner not treating the in-laws well, then this is your issue, not those other people’s issues. It is the issue of your emotions and feelings being hurt by the actions of your partner. Hence, discuss and settle it amongst yourselves.
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Never Compare: As mentioned earlier too, before belittling someone, remember that we are all human and we all have flaws. Similarly, pointing out flaws and comparing your partner’s competence with another is not ok.
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Take a Break: It is an argument, it is bound to get heated. Understand that people are different. Their views are different. It is not always possible to come to a conclusion as one expects. The argument may not end while both decide not to give up. At such times, just take a break. Take time to chill and come up with a solution that both of you will be happy with.
It is very well said that “Argument is also a form of communication and in any relationship, having an argument is always better than shutting off completely”.
So have a healthy argument!